My Mind Rebels at Stagnation

Oh Reverb10, we didn’t do what we set out to do…

… Or did we?

I did the first five prompts for this year-end reflection project. That’s a poor representation of the overall whole, which was my goal for the month.

Let’s talk about goals. Somewhere in my life I got the wrong idea about how to reach a goal.  In my mind, it has always been a failure if I didn’t 100% commit to and completely reach the end result I had in mind by the time I had in mind to do it.  Because of this, I have not attained many of my goals.  My expectations are completely unrealistic.  And because of this… my goals have been little more than wishful thinking in recent years.

I wanted to participate in every day of Reverb 10.  I wanted to do a lot of things this year.  Very few of these things I wanted to happen actually happened…

So does that mean my year was a failure?  I’m beginning to see that this isn’t the case AT ALL.

I remember how I felt on December 31 of 2009.  It had been a hard year, full of very uppy ups and VERY down downs.  I was so convinced at the end of last year that the only way to escape the heartache and stress that 2009 brought me was to completely change who I am as a person.

Surprise, surprise… I’m still me.  I still oversleep, I’m still eternally late, I’m still having trouble with that whole left/right thing (don’t laugh; I’m being dead serious).  However, I feel like somewhere in the past 365 days a gradual evolution has taken place.

I was unhappy (understatement) with my job for most of the year.  Well… I start a new job on January 3rd.  I took action against something that was making me unhappy and turned it into something positive.  Maybe not a monumental step for most, but for me it means a million things.  It means that I can still do something when I set my mind to it.  I can change something if I just believe in myself.  And that is what I need to accomplish my goals - motivation and the confidence to follow through.  Not deadlines and ultimatums.  Goals should be positive things, not added pressure to an already pressure-filled world.

So I didn’t participate in every Reverb 10 prompt.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t sufficiently reflected on my past year. I just did it on my own time.  I don’t know that I’ll ever be a daily blogger, or an early riser, or someone who enjoys running, or a New York Times Best-Selling author (I honestly think this will happen before the others on this list do).

So I don’t follow a conventional timeline; who cares? I’m beginning to embrace the fact that nothing in my life happens the way it happens for other people. There’s something to be said for being different, and I’m glad that my years of adolescent resistance to my differences didn’t do any permanent damage. 

I’ve reflected on 2010 and come to a really great conclusion.  This year was the year that I learned to like myself.  I mean truly like myself.  I’m still a work in progress, but the happy days are starting to outnumber the sad ones… the lonely nights are starting to be replaced by ones of peace… the tears that fall are more often than not ones of joy and thankfulness.  

In 2010 I learned that I CAN say no, I CAN change my circumstances, I CAN go to a concert by myself and have a fantastic time*. I CAN… and in 2011 I will.

*I still can’t figure out why nobody wanted to see the PIXIES with me, but I feel sorry for each and every person who missed out on that night.

Reverb 10: December 5 - Let Go.

December 5 - Let Go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year?  Why?

I did a lot of letting go in 2009… I mean a lot. But I think 2010 still has potential to be a year remembered for letting go of something that was dragging me down.

For most of this year I have actually held onto something that was not good for me — fear.  I am sometimes painfully afraid of things that seem to be simple for everyone else.  It often makes me wonder if I’m not wired different than the rest of you people.  But a few things, and a few wise and gracious friends, have shown me that everyone is afraid, but not everyone lets it cripple them.

I feel like, right now, I am more excited about the unknown than ever before.  I can’t wait to find out what tomorrow will bring.  And that excitement, coupled with the serious attitude adjustments I have been attempting to employ, is exactly what I need to let go of my fear.

Much of my fear is still there at the moment, but I let go a little every day, and I see it eating my dust.  Anticipation rather than dread; confidence instead of doubt; dropping the word can’t from my vocabulary. 

There is nothing to fear except fear itself, and it turns out that it was really never that scary in the first place.

Reverb 10: December 4 - Wonder.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Hmmm.  This is an interesting question for me.  I consider myself to be quite wonderful… as in full of wonder.  I have seen far too little of the world in my lifetime, and I am desperate to change that fact soon. 

In 2010 I finally started exploring the city I moved to the year before, and I’m surprised at how much I’ve come to love it.  Not having ever lived in a big city before, I never knew what I was missing.

Now, I still live in the suburbs (lame), but I am close enough that I can fully enjoy — and wonder at — all of the wonderful things Houston has to offer.

The small-town gal from West Texas is getting smaller and smaller as I glance at her in my rearview mirror.  I never liked her much anyway; she’s entirely too timid.

Reverb 10: December 3 - Moment.

December 3 – Moment.  Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year.  Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

This was almost too easy for me to pick out.

It was the second day of Houston’s little-music-festival-that-could, the Free Press Summer Fest.  The day had begun with blistering heat.  So hot that, I at one point contemplated taking my leave and getting the hell out of there — it was that miserable.  Then the rain came, cooling the skin of all the idiots sitting on the hill (including me)… and then it wouldn’t stop.  What had been a nicely sloped grassy hill, perfect for observing the music stage became a verifiable mud slide.  But my group held our ground (by God’s grace only because it was extremely slippery ground) and endured the entire day so that we could see The Flaming Lips.

Now, I have no doubt that many of the kids at this shindig were helping themselves to more than a few mind-altering substances.  I myself had barely been able to carry one beer with me through the muddy trenches.  I was not drunk; I was not high.  I was more than a little exhausted, and I’m sure I was suffering some effects of exposure.

BUT - when Wayne Coyne got on that stage and started to sing… none of it mattered.  I have no doubt that the magic I experienced in that moment was the same magic that everyone there was a part of - mind-altering substances aside.  

When The Flaming Lips played ‘Do You Realize’ to the crowd on that hill in the heart of the city, with the Houston skyline to our right and the stars above us, it was nothing short of moving.  I felt alive.  I felt like I was a part of something.  I felt beautiful, because everything was beautiful.  And me, the  girl who usually feels alone amongst the largest of crowds, felt the absolute opposite of lonely.

I think I wrote about this before, which is further proof of how much that moment meant to me.  I had a lot of big moments this year (seeing the Pixies, buying a car, meeting Robert Pattinson (oh, yeah, that happened, I need to write about it)), but this was by far the moment I remember the most clearly.  The sky was blue, my shoes were yellow, my heart was full and I was alive.  How can anything else compare to that?

Reverb 10: December 2 - Writing.

December 2 - Writing.  What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Whoa, that’s a loaded question.  What do I do that doesn’t contribute to my writing??  How about everything.  Look, I know I have potential to be a good writer, but I have never had the drive.  I feel like there is some story inside me that wants to be told, but I’ve always been too lazy to tell it.

Can I eliminate everything I do that doesn’t contribute to my writing?  Most likely not.  But can I add things to my daily life that will help my writing?  Absolutely.

Maybe telling myself that I’ll write every single day is too big of a goal to start with.  I think that the most important way for me to find time to write is to find a place to write.  There are certain places I go that are like black holes for any type of productivity:  my bedroom, my car, my couch, my office (not really kidding there, unfortunately).  When I was in college, I found this great table in the back corner of the library at school.  I would go there when I had anything that needed to be done:  homework, term papers, bill paying.  It was the one place where I couldn’t distract myself with my daily nonsense, so I retreated there whenever necessary.

I have not found a place like that in my new life here.  I haven’t even looked, to tell the truth.  But I know how it feels, and my weekend agenda consists of nothing at the moment other than finding this spot.  Once I find it, I guess I’ll be ready to start writing something, starting with a better weekend agenda. 

Reverb 10: December 1 - One Word.

December 1 - One Word.  Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word.  Explain why you’re choosing that word.  Now, imagine it’s one year from today.  What would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

This is a good one.  There are hundreds of words that come to mind as I look back on the past year, but to narrow it down to just one?  I’d have to think.

Think.  In fact, THINK might be a good description of this year, or even my life, if I want to be honest.  I am a thinker, and I know that I always will be, so I’d rather focus on a word that was more specific to 2010.

Change.  Change?  Maybe the opposite of change.  2009 brought a ton of change, and 2010 was kind of the limbo that followed.  I wish more had changed, but I can’t change (heh) the past.  So that’s no good.

Learn. LEARN.  I believe I’ve found my word.  If nothing, I have learned a lot this year.  About myself, about others, about what I’m capable of, about what holds me back.  I’ve learned that I’m not as horrible as I think I am.  I have learned that sometimes money isn’t everything.  I have learned that appearances can be deceptive.  I have learned that the past lingers longer than we’d like it to.  I have learned that although I am good at being on my own, I like myself better when I’m not.  I have learned that it is okay to be afraid, but it is not okay to let the fear stop you from continuing.  I have learned that I am not immune to speeding tickets.  I have learned that I actually can do it, whatever it may be.

And this brings me to the second part of this prompt - what word would I like to be the description of 2011 as I look back on it.  This is an easy one:  DO.

I have always been a thinker; doing is where I have problems.  I think about all the things I want to do, the places I want to go, the people I want to meet, and most importantly about the person I want to become.  I am an expert thinker, but I’m an amateur doer.  I guess I used to be better at doing, but somewhere along the way I reverted, I let my fears keep me from doing, from being, from becoming.  No. More. 

I start a brand new job in January. It will cause me to completely re-evaluate the way I manage my time, and I plan to use this time re-evaluation to make the absolute most of it.  Am I still afraid?  You bet your ass I’m scared.  Everything scares me.  But no longer will I allow the fear to stop me.  I know that I am capable of walking through it.  And that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

Reverb 10

So 2010 was supposed to be my year.  Since 2009 ended up being kind of a bust (bad breakup, bad financial situation, bad attitude), I really wanted to follow it up with a banner year.

I can’t say that I did that, not completely.  I didn’t travel, I didn’t become a marathon runner, I didn’t fall in love… but I didn’t crash and burn, either.  I feel like I’ve spent the past year standing on a precipice, afraid to jump.  Afraid because what’s after the jump is a whole world of unknown.  But I’ve come to realize that standing on the edge while held back by fear is far worse than anything that could be waiting for me on the other side.

There is this thing called Reverb 10.  It challenges us to reflect on this year and manifest what’s next.  It is supposed to start on December 1, but I am nothing if not chronically late, so I figured I’d start it today.  Basically, there is a daily prompt that one is supposed to reflect on and write about.  I figure this can double as a great tool to propel me towards the self-analysis I desperately need to involve myself in and as an excuse to make me write every day.  Writing every day was one of my goals for 2010, one of the many that I didn’t meet.  But if there’s one thing this year has taught me, it’s that it is never too late to start.  So I’m starting.  Right now.  Reverb 10.  BRING IT!